Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Random Lesbians Requirements for ages 18-88

Here is a short list of random requirements to call yourself a lesbian (if you do not fit 60% of this list you are Bi- or Pansexual, really I took a poll-I was the only person polled)

1. Have played soft-ball and tried to continue to play way past the time you should have quit and complain for the rest of your life of a knee injury due to the sport (or dated someone who did).

2. Cats, you got to have one or or more (if you hate cats you must feign an allergy).

3. Treat your pets as if they were your children. This rule is now only for lesbians over 40 the next generation of lesbians are having actual children. This may seriously effect the therapy industry.

4. At one point in your life you must either claim you are a vegetarian or date one (either way it is going to be a major pain in the ass).

5. Have slept with a straight woman at least once. This may become addictive to some lesbians (work it out with your therapist.

6. Be in Therapy or be a Therapist (Or in any sort of Social Work situation)

7. Enjoy swimming with the dolphins, whale watching, manatees, anything with a blow hole (even I am not sure about this one, but yet I love it all).

8. Try and stay friends with all your Exes (Be highly cautious of any Lesbian that is not friends with at least one or two of her exes.)

9. Write angst poetry. This is one will never fade away from generation to generation.

10. Go completely overboard with the whole recycling thing, spend much of your evenings rinsing out bottles and cans.

11. Make candles or soap, or go whole uber-earth mother lesbian and also tie dye your clothes, weave things into your hair and never wash it and raise a couple of goats while you're at it.

12. Wear Petrolia oil to piss off the other lesbians who think this is so 1970's (and it is).

13. Drive a Subaru Outback and have a large drooling dog in the back.

14. Paste bumper stickers (which are not biodegradable by the way) all over the back of your Subaru for any cause you are for or against, it is not really necessary for you to be able to look out the back window if you have good side view mirrors. Not to mention the dog that will bark at any car behind you or next to you, handy isn't it?

15. Get a tattoo..never, ever, your girlfriends name and if you must get a heart just have it say - your name here.

Additional rules that should be banned and or may be regional.

16. Dress like your girlfriend (this is wrong and you both look....ah gay).

17. Date someone that looks like you and you both look like young boys (this is a no in Jersey the norm in Seattle).

Sunday, September 14, 2014

America the Blissless

As I grow older it seems even more important than ever in my life to live the sort of life that brings joy and peace to my soul. This goal is not always easy America is not built around a paradigm of joy and peace, it is built around greed which breeds chaos wrapped in a banner of freedom and democracy which breeds wars, which breed fear and anxiety and Americans live always waiting for another 9/11. We are the country of the anti-depressants, escapism, and massive doses of denial. People have been instilled to believe the U.S. is the best, we must have the best, we must be the best, it is all about the allusion, we photo shop our lives so that everything is clean an glossy with no imperfections, because life is about being absolutely perfect without blemish. Americans look good...until you open their closets and look on their streets where the homeless are lining the back alleys and hillsides and in their classrooms where children listen for the sound that might tell them something dark is coming to steal their innocence...and in the basements of homes where young men and young women plan out some heroic escape because they just can't take one more moment if being inside their SSRI infused head...and then comes the clicks as America Shatters...And America mourns again and then forgets...until the next time. And in all of this, one must find, their Bliss.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Watch this Space....something will eventually happen...

A lot like "Waiting for Godot" isn't it?